Uncaged Hearts Read online

  He’s the IT whose name Hamlet knows because I either call it out in my sleep or keep muttering it to myself throughout the day. There is nothing I can do about Declan. Nothing that I want to do or will allow myself to do, regardless of how affected I seem to be by him.

  Because at the end of the day, the consequences just seem too great for me to go exploring. Plus I’m still stuck in that stage where I haven’t yet even begun to understand what I might be feeling myself.

  Am I attracted to other men? No, I’ve never been until Declan, I swear it and there, I’ve said it. Attraction is what I feel toward him and although I know all the reasons I should and will squash it, I will at least admit the truth that I find him attractive and leave it right here.”

  I quickly folded the page closed and struggled to control my breathing, my thoughts now firmly fixated.

  IT. I was it, and with this written confession Ivan had passed the buck to me. Now it was my turn to tag him.

  Because there was no more playing it cool now that I knew, no more denying that Ivan was at least entertaining the idea of us. Us, together. So the only question that remained now was whether I should go do something about it.

  Chapter 6

  Ivan

  I had called Declan in for that meeting simply because I wanted an excuse to see him again. It was silly of me, I knew that, and it totally backfired too. I did everything I could to remain calm and show him he had no effect on me, but dammit if I didn’t get flustered and run out of the room as if my pants were on fire.

  Parts of me were on fire, there was no denying that.

  I found myself worse off than before. When I was fleeing and had to pass his amazing body, I caught a very masculine all-him scent that my mind, even days later, was haunted by and could recall. He didn’t need cologne. He always smelled a little smoky, musky, and manly. They could make millions off his scent, whoever ‘they’ were.

  Declan haunted me. I swear I never had an interest in men before, but this man could make any straight man change teams. Okay, so I was probably not straight. Let’s just say he made it easy for the unknown tendencies in me to come out in full force. And there I was, in my bed, days later, still fantasizing about him.

  I hadn’t seen him in so long. I knew it was best that we not pursue this thing we had going. But I still found myself looking up at the classroom door every day, hoping he would stop by. As I tossed and turned in bed, I ran through various scenarios about how our next meeting could go and what I would say, and what I wished I could say. And what I wished I could do…

  I tried so hard not to go there, but it was pointless. Declan was such a huge distraction that I had gone about my days in a fugue state. I needed my fix. I needed my dark-haired, blue-eyed fireman. My days were a blur, my nights were hell. I tried reading books, but couldn’t get into them. I tried writing another journal about him, but that didn’t work last time and it didn’t work now either. I tried keeping myself busy with school work, but thoughts of him always interrupted. He was a disease. A hot contagion that only a full shot of Declan could cure.

  Katie tried to snap me out of it throughout the week. She seemed sensitive that something was going on. She and Hamlet were probably the only reasons why I hadn’t gone insane waiting for Declan to stop by again. She peppered me with random questions every day. Things like: “Mr. Davis, why do you keep yawning in class?” “Did you know that Daddy has been yawning a lot too?” “Daddy says I have come a long way, thanks to you and Hamlet. I think so too. Don’t you?”

  At night, Hamlet seemed to sense who I was stressing out about, because he kept cursing poor Declan out, as if he was angry that Declan had upset me. He probably didn’t understand that Declan was mostly innocent regarding my agitated state. Declan couldn’t help it that my obsessive thoughts wouldn’t give me a moment’s peace. He was born handsome, cool, and irresistible. I had hopes my tortuous state would be ending soon. If Declan didn’t stop by in the next couple of days, I was going to have to drum up another parent-teacher meeting as an excuse to see him.

  I could fantasize all I wanted, but it relieved nothing. I needed the real thing, and I wasn’t getting any of that. So I then spent that weekend working out at the gym. I made myself so tired each day that I actually managed to get some sleep at night. I willed the universe for Monday to come, and with it, a visit from Declan.

  Chapter 7

  Declan

  I stayed away for a total of one week before I accepted that I couldn’t do it any longer.

  Seven long torturous days I stayed away from both Ivan and the school. But it was hard, much harder than I had anticipated and my thoughts were quite cheerfully stuck on Ivan and wouldn’t budge on the matter.

  By the following Monday, I made up my mind to drop by Ivan’s classroom.

  I would do Ivan the service of acting like I didn’t read his confession. I planned on slipping it into his briefcase while he wasn’t looking, saving both of us from the embarrassment.

  I would, however, see if I could get Ivan to confess to me himself. Perhaps he wouldn’t today, but I decided to make myself more available to him, and maybe start dropping hints.

  As I walked toward the classroom around five minutes to three, I paused outside the door and listened. Sure enough, Katie was laughing and asking Hamlet answers to her multiplication tables. And much to my amusement, the bird was guessing numbers at random until Katie told him he was right.

  I stepped up to the open doorway and took a moment to observe Ivan sitting at his desk.

  Today Ivan had opted for a crimson shirt that complemented his hair and eyes perfectly. He had his glasses on and man, did he look adorable in them.

  But he had a hint of dark circles under his eyes. Was it possible Ivan had been suffering from sleepless nights as well?

  Still, tired or not, Ivan looked good enough to nibble on.

  “Daddy, welcome to class,” Katie called out when she spotted me seconds later.

  I smiled and hugged her when she ran over, laughing outright when Hamlet demanded, “Who goes there?” and scooted over to the front of his cage to inspect the newcomer.

  “Why,” Ivan began, answering Hamlet, “it’s only Declan. You remember him, don’t you, Hamlet? Or has he been avoiding us for that long?”

  “Declan,” the parrot said, then he imitated a sneeze.

  I laughed. “The bird’s allergic to me, it seems.” From the way Ivan’s skin reddened, I wondered if he might’ve been allergic to me too. “Nice to see you again,” I said, testing the waters.

  Ivan nodded, seeming still to be a bit flustered around me. Did he know he had lost his little confession, and did he worry the information contained within had gotten back to me?

  I wasn’t about to ask, so I slyly walked by his desk and dropped the written confession into his open briefcase. “Anyway, I just wanted to stop by real quick. See how things were going.”

  “Everything is well, Mr. Monroe,” Ivan said with a restrained smile. “I’m pleased you stopped by. Now that midterms are over, I’m finding myself with an excess of free time again.”

  Was Ivan merely making conversation, or was he hinting that we ought to pick the relationship back up where we left it? Oh hell, I didn’t have the patience to play these guessing games, so I just asked outright: “Does that mean you’d like to recommence our old fireside chats?”

  Ivan nodded. “Yes, I’ve always found our conversations to be very engaging. Good for the mind, you know?”

  Oh, I knew. I knew just how much he liked our conversations, in fact. He could try to be all proper and formal right now, but I knew how he really felt. “Great,” I said with a barely restrained smile. “I’ll take you up on that.”

  *

  I was very much pleased with the pattern that developed from that day forward.

  I saw Ivan at least three times a week and we were back to our chats and accidental touches. Of course, all behind the desk, as Katie was in the back of the room with Haml
et.

  We’d break from our chats on occasions when Katie would need help with her homework, and I would marvel at how natural Ivan was with my daughter. I couldn’t help but imagine what a great parent he would eventually make to some lucky kid. If only it had been half as easy for me, Katie would have already bloomed and flourished academically before now. I knew I was indebted to Ivan for her recent improvements.

  Today, I sat next to the bookshelf and browsed for any books I thought Katie might like.

  She wanted an enormous library of her own, she was telling Ivan and I smiled as I wondered just where she expected to put this enormous library in our two-bedroom house.

  She also wanted a pet of her own too, she had informed Ivan. While I knew that would never happen, I perhaps could make her a modest bookshelf at least. I listened to the conversation between the two of them after they finished up practicing her spelling words.

  “Mr. Davis, why’d you name him Hamlet?” Katie asked.

  Because the parrot was a mischievous little bastard, I wanted to suggest. But I held my tongue and allowed Ivan to explain.

  “Hamlet is the name of a play by one of my favorite authors, William Shakespeare. Have you ever heard of him?”

  “No,” Katie said.

  “You probably are familiar with him, but just never put a name to any of his famous lines yet. Have you ever heard ‘to be, or not to be?’”

  Katie thought about it. “Yeah. I don’t remember from where, though.”

  “It’s from Hamlet,” Ivan explained with an encouraging smile.

  “What’s Hamlet about?” Katie asked, staring raptly at Ivan, her hands under her chin, having completely forgotten about her homework. I could swear that even Hamlet leaned forward from his perch too. Well, I figured I might as well join in.

  I took a seat next to her and gave Ivan an inquisitive look. “Yeah,” I added, “Who’s this Hamlet guy?” I sneaked a wink in at Katie and she smiled.

  Now that all eyes were on Ivan, he shifted under the pressure but quickly regained his composure. “Hamlet was a young prince who was going to school in another country, but he had to return home when his father died. When he got home, he found out that his mother, the queen, had married his uncle who was the brother of his father…” He noticed Katie’s eyes glazing over, then summed up, “To cut a long story short, Hamlet didn’t believe his father had died by accident and came up with a plan to prove that his uncle had killed his father. But in the end, Hamlet, his mother, his uncle, and a few other people all died and the kingdom went to someone else.”

  “Oh,” Katie whispered. “That sounds bad.”

  “Bad,” Hamlet repeated.

  “It was. Shakespeare was a master at writing sad stories, but sometimes sad things can be beautiful.”

  “But everyone dies in the end,” Katie said, not getting how that was beautiful.

  “Sure, but it leaves the audience with a lot to think about. After seeing the consequences of Hamlet’s drive for vengeance, we must ask ourselves if revenge is worth it.”

  “Huh,” Katie said as she stared off.

  “We’re actually performing his story as a school play before winter break. Tryouts for all the roles will begin soon,” Ivan said.

  Katie got all big-eyed upon learning of this. “Will Hamlet be in the play?”

  Ivan chuckled. “Unfortunately no, as this particular Hamlet won’t be able to memorize his lines.”

  “What about me?” Katie asked after a little pause. “I can remember my lines and I can pretend to die in the end too.”

  I laughed. I could already imagine her on stage, melodramatically pretending to keel over.

  Ivan dug into his bag and handed Katie a copy of the play. “How about you see if any of these roles interest you?” he said, and Katie hurried off to the corner to read the script.

  I was excited—overjoyed, in fact—but I didn’t want to make too big a deal of her volunteering to take part on stage. So I played it cool and returned to my browsing of the bookcase. After a few minutes I tired of all the titles and decided to turn my attention to the parrot.

  Hamlet looked meaner than a rattlesnake with his beady black eyes and his hooked beak, but still, I approached him. There was a small bowl of peanuts that I had seen Katie feed Hamlet from, but as I eyed the bird and the bowl, I wasn’t sure if I had the courage. Call me a coward but I knew those beaks had the strength of bolt cutters.

  Ivan snickered behind me. “Go ahead. It’s just a bird, Declan. A little parrot, and you’re a big, tough firefighter a hundred times his size. What could possibly go wrong?”

  Oh, I could think of a few possibilities, and never before had I valued the sight of all ten of my fingers so much. But both Ivan and Katie were watching me, plus Hamlet was waiting expectantly and seemed to be losing his patience as his feathers fluffed out. Gingerly, I took up a single shelled peanut and poked it through the cage, keeping my finger as far away as possible from the approaching beak.

  Hamlet took the peanut slowly before turning his back to me, tearing into the shell. And to think that could’ve been my finger if I gave him another inch of leeway…

  I cleared my throat, having met my quota for courage today. “I guess we should be heading off now, as I wouldn’t want to take up your Friday evening.”

  I saw the way Ivan’s eyes widened and I waited, hoping that the other man would take my cue and indicate if he wanted us to stay longer.

  “Actually,” Ivan began, and my pulse quickened.

  I waited, hoping that he’d finally invite me to something off school grounds…

  Chapter 8

  Ivan

  Declan gave me the perfect opening, but I hesitated to say the damnable words that would take our relationship one step further.

  Squeezing my eyes shut, I allowed myself a moment to weigh the odds and all the possible consequences in my head. In the end, I decided to take a chance and blurt the words out anyway.

  “So, uh, I was going to take a stroll down the boardwalk after work with Hamlet. He’s sort of become an attraction down there and he enjoys the attention. Would you and Katie like to come with?”

  I thought for a moment that Declan would say no from the way he let the words sink in, but to my surprise, Declan then nodded and smiled.

  Katie couldn’t look happier. “Yay!” she shouted. “We’re going to the beach. And with my favorite people in the world!”

  “Yes, but just to take a walk,” Declan added quickly. “We’re not going in the water and you probably won’t get to play in the sand since you aren’t dressed for it.”

  “That’s okay,” Katie said with a shrug. “Walking is fine. I’m sure even Hamlet likes to walk, even though he can fly.”

  “Fly,” Hamlet repeated from his perch. “Fly?”

  There were a few words that got Hamlet excited, in particular ‘peanut,’ ‘step up,’ and—his favorite—‘fly.’ I didn’t know what he was thinking though; I’ve only let him fly in the enclosed patio on occasions. I had to break the news to him, saying sternly, “No, Hamlet. No fly.” Hamlet grumbled like an old man and threw some seeds out of his cage. I rolled my eyes and said, “Well, shall we head out then?”

  Katie and Declan got up in response, quickly packing their things.

  I picked up Hamlet’s cage and lead the way out of the classroom. Katie walked beside me and my smile broadened as I felt her little hand find my hand and grab it, swinging it back and forth as we went.

  “Well, Katie, I feel betrayed,” Declan called out from behind us, and we both laughed.

  I could feel Declan’s eyes on me as we navigated the narrow passageways, and I felt no small amount of relief when we emerged into the warm Californian sun and were greeted by fresh air and an empty compound.

  We walked to my car and I asked them to hold up one moment while I prepared Hamlet for his walk. Hamlet’s wings weren’t clipped as the procedure had caused him too much stress in the past, so I would put a harness on
him instead.

  I got in my car, closed the door, then opened up the cage. Hamlet knew the drill, and he cooperated as he sat on top of his cage, allowing me to put the harness on him. He definitely wasn’t a fan of the device, but he knew it was the only way he’d get to go out into the fresh air.

  Once I had him harnessed, I wrapped the lightweight lead around my hand and left the car, Hamlet perched safely on my shoulder.

  “Cool.” Katie gasped. “Can I hold him?”

  “When we get to the boardwalk you can take over. Okay?”

  “Okay,” she responded, then practically dragged her poor father by his hand in order for us to get to the boardwalk quicker.

  I loved this time of the day almost as much as I loved teaching itself. There was always something about the quiet yard and empty building. Something serene and calming in the way one could finally hear the breeze blow after the air had been flooded with the sounds and energy of kids.

  The temperature was cool and I could hear the ocean nearby as we entered the street and headed toward the boardwalk. It was a nice stroll and the destination was near enough that it made a prime hangout spot for the older students who liked to cut class. Several times each day, a teacher would have to run a patrol to make sure there were no stragglers hiding out along the beach.

  I felt Declan fall into step beside me and for a moment I wondered what would happen if, like Katie, I gripped his hand and held it in a gesture of pure affection. But unlike Katie, I knew I wasn’t quite as brave, nor as innocent either.

  “Tell me something,” Declan said. “What’s a normal day like for you after you leave the classroom?”

  Good question. Sometimes even I hardly paid much mind to what I did outside of class. “I’m afraid you’ll find me to be rather boring if I tell you the truth.”

  “Try me.”

  “Well, I do a lot of reading, keep up to date on the latest literary journals. I join any reading or writing groups that crop up here from time to time. Not much of a social life outside of the occasional dinner with my fellow teachers.”