Uncaged Hearts Read online

  “Shakespeare,” Declan guessed.

  “Wouldn’t you believe it? I managed to get him to say ‘To be or not to be?’ after just a little practice. And from there his vocabulary flourished.”

  Declan smirked at Hamlet, shaking his head in disbelief. “An existentialist parrot, huh? I would have never believed it. So where does one procure a parrot of his variety anyway? A pet store?”

  “Actually, Hamlet and Katie have a lot in common. I rescued him from near-death about a year ago. Somebody had left him and his cage outside in the heat with a sign saying he was free to a good home. He was in awful condition, so I immediately loaded the cage into my car and took him home, despite knowing absolutely nothing about parrots at the time. But after a few hours of research, I learned how to properly care for him and started working on his rehabilitation.”

  “Just when I thought I couldn’t admire you more,” Declan said, and I laughed and turned away, trying to hide my reddening cheeks. “I don’t think Katie would have come out of her shell if not for the combination of you and Hamlet.”

  I paused, remembering the day Hamlet and Katie met, and how quickly a bond formed between them. “Katie’s as good for Hamlet as he is for her. He never took to any other student the way he has with Katie. Actually, that was one of the things I wanted to discuss with you today. I think it’d be good for the both of them to interact more outside of Katie’s limited time in class.”

  “Katie would love that,” Declan commented without a second thought. “All she talks about at home is Mr. Davis this, Hamlet that. She rings my ears off with stories about you two.”

  “Oh, really?” I asked, surprised I had so much of an effect on her.

  “Oh, yes. She’s always telling me about what book she catches you reading, or what color shirt you happened to be wearing. She thinks you dress very smartly—her words—and she says that she likes you best in blue.”

  “I had no idea,” I said with a smile.

  Declan continued, “Then, when she’s not talking about you, I hear endless stories about Hamlet and his various prison break attempts. You’re always having to buy more and more complicated locks for him, she says. Or she’ll tell me about a naughty word she heard Hamlet mumble.”

  I laughed. “Whoops. Well, he didn’t learn those words from me, I swear. Whoever had him last had the mouth of a sailor. But usually Hamlet keeps those words to himself during class.”

  “I know, and it’s fine. Katie says he says them secretly only to her, because he knows those words make her laugh.”

  I shook my head in amusement. Really, no wonder Declan had stopped by so often. Katie talked about me and Hamlet like we were family!

  “So what did you have in mind?” Declan asked, returning to my earlier point. “You said you were hoping they could spend more time together. How do you suggest we go about it?”

  “Well, I was thinking that Katie could stay with me and Hamlet an extra hour after school. She can do her homework while I grade papers, and once she finishes her work she can spend the rest of the time with Hamlet and practice her speech skills. How does that sound?”

  Declan nodded. “That sounds like a great idea, and I’m sure Katie would be ecstatic too. I for one won’t object to anything that could incentivize homework for her. Not that she gives me too much trouble, but she’s more easily distracted at home. Perhaps we should also discuss compensation if you’re going to be helping her outside of work hours—”

  “No,” I interrupted. “This would be mutually beneficial for the both of us. I’ve seen improvements in Hamlet’s mood since the two started interacting, so I’m more than happy to watch over these play dates.”

  “If you insist. I really do appreciate the help.”

  I looked at the impressively large man, still surprised, but pleased, that I had something to offer him. “Let’s start next week then, if Katie is up to it.”

  “Agreed. Shall we shake on it?”

  I hesitated to take Declan’s outstretched hand but saw no way to avoid it. Even though I knew what to expect given that I had been around Declan often enough, I was still startled at the jolt of contact and quickly pulled away.

  There was just something about his touch. I cleared my throat. “Okay. Well if that’s all—”

  “Leaving so soon?” Declan asked, peering at me with amusement printed all over his face. It wasn’t funny and I suddenly realized that Declan must’ve been aware of how antsy I felt around him and found joy in it. Was that why he kept paying these visits so often, to amuse himself at my expense?

  I regained my composure, deciding I’d exercise just a bit of restraint and control for once. “Yes, that’s all for today, and perhaps for a few weeks to come. Midterm exams are in two weeks so I’ll be very busy with work. That means that most of my free periods will be spent prepping exams, so I won’t be available for any future meetings until the end of October.”

  Declan took a moment to realize what I was saying. “Fair enough. But in that case, are you sure you’ll still have time for Katie after school?”

  It was a valid question, yet I found myself frowning. It was time that Declan found out the hard way that I wasn’t all fun and games. “Let’s get something straight. I genuinely care about Katie and want to see her progress continue. While whatever this thing is between us has been fun, my interest in helping Katie is not something I’ve taken up on a whim. My offer to watch her after school was for her benefit, and not just because of the friendship you and I are developing. Got it?”

  “Yeah, got it,” Declan muttered, taken aback by my change in attitude. “I know there’s a delicate line between your professional and personal interests, and I respect that you want to keep things professional for Katie’s sake.”

  I paused. That wasn’t completely the point I wanted him to take away from what I had said, but for now it would have to stand. Our relationship was getting more and more potentially inappropriate, and I really didn’t know how to handle it.

  With one parting glance at me, Declan left and I wondered if that’d be the last time we’d meet in this way. Perhaps it would be best if I saw less of Declan…

  He parted ways with me right after that with a quick farewell. All I did was stare as he walked away.

  That man rattled me.

  Whether he did it for shits and giggles or it was just an unavoidable effect of being around him, the way my thoughts constantly revolved around Declan had to be put to a stop.

  I had an idea… a solution to my growing obsession with the man.

  Through my troubled teenage years, I had learned that an effective way to exorcise my demons was to let loose on paper. It had been a while since I had written about my own thoughts, but I resolved to start a new journal this very night. I would write and write until I could finally begin to make sense of my feelings, after which I should start to feel normal again.

  As if that were even possible now that I knew what I was missing.

  Chapter 5

  Declan

  I was a stubborn man, but even I could take a hint and accept when I had lost the game.

  After Ivan had practically booted me out of the room, I hadn’t since returned and I rarely even came out of the vehicle when I dropped Katie off. And damned if I didn’t miss it.

  Ivan had a temper, one that satisfied me every time I managed to get a reaction out of him. It was true that I shouldn’t have kept baiting him, but the little devil inside me couldn’t help it. When Ivan got nervous or upset, his pale blue eyes flashed and color filled his face in a way that strangely encouraged me.

  But now I had to pay the piper.

  I had gone too far and had emerged the loser, no longer welcomed to contact him. I kept telling myself that it was for the best and that I should just forget Ivan and move on, but it was harder said than done when Katie was the CNN of information on Mr. Davis’s day. I grimaced as I listened to her now, expecting yet another report.

  “Dad,” Katie began as she
buckled up for the ride home. “Mr. Davis said he wants to have a quick word with you in his classroom. He asked if you were the one picking me up today and I said yes, so he said that he needed to ask you something urgent.”

  I didn’t know what had surprised me more: the request, or that Katie had just recited all this information without stammering once. Was it really possible that we were well and truly over that hurdle now? And if so, could I trust that it would be a permanent improvement?

  I found a parking spot and turned off the ignition before heading inside with Katie holding my hand. It sounded like whatever Ivan wanted to tell me might be grown-up talk, so I had Katie wait on a bench right outside the classroom.

  The halls were empty, probably due to it now being after three. Still, I couldn’t be too careful, and I told Katie, “Scream if anyone gives you trouble.”

  Katie giggled and nodded, looking almost like she hoped such an opportunity would arise.

  With that, I entered the classroom. I didn’t knock, hoping to surprise Ivan, but to my disappointment, he already seemed to be expecting me.

  “Oh good, you’re here,” he said in greeting.

  “Yeah, you sent for me?”

  Ivan nodded, something scholarly about his demeanor. Keeping things professional, it seemed. “Yes,” he began, fingers interlaced. “I had wanted just a quick word to make you aware of a situation. Katie has a scrape on her right leg. I’m not sure if she mentioned it to you but there was an incident between her and another little girl, Mary.”

  “Oh?” I said, a frown carving my face. If this Mary did anything unwarranted to Katie…

  Ivan quickly continued, sensing my tension, “Mary had tugged away a carrot that they both wanted to feed Hamlet, and things got unintentionally physical. Katie ended up falling and hit her leg on a chair. The nurse tended to it and it really wasn’t much more than a scrape, but I thought you should know. Ultimately both girls agreed that it was an accident, though Katie was quite upset at first.”

  “Okay. And did you see this interaction? Did it seem like an accident to you?”

  Ivan thought about it. “I believe there’s a little tension between the two of them, but I don’t get the impression that Mary actually meant to harm her. Mary seemed just as shocked about the fall as Katie was.”

  I took in a deep breath, deciding to give Mary the benefit of the doubt. “All right, if that’s how you see it. I appreciate you letting me know. So… what color band-aid did she pick?”

  “Pink.” Ivan smiled. “I’m guessing that she always insists on choosing her own band-aids at home too?”

  I nodded.

  “Yes, well, that’s what I wanted to tell you,” Ivan finished awkwardly and I wondered if he had an ulterior motive for calling this meeting.

  When Ivan said nothing more, I walked over, about to offer a parting handshake when I remembered the last time we touched and thought better of it. It really wouldn’t do any good to remind myself just how much I liked the warmth of Ivan’s skin.

  So I smiled and scratched the back of my head instead. Yeah, real smooth, I know.

  “Okay then,” Ivan said as he sorted his books and papers before tucking them away in his leather briefcase. He shifted the stack to one arm then grabbed Hamlet’s portable cage with the other hand, about to head out for the day.

  I watched as he struggled to carry everything. “Um, need any help carrying that stuff?”

  “Oh, no, no. I got it,” Ivan said quickly, and I held open the door for him. “Thank you,” he added in parting, all of a sudden seeming like he couldn’t get away from me fast enough.

  I watched as he headed off down the hall to the teachers’ parking lot, Hamlet cursing him for not holding the cage steadily enough. I laughed, glad to see that I still had such an effect on Ivan’s nerves, then I noticed something on the floor. A loose paper. Probably some forgotten homework. I picked it up on the off-chance that it was Katie’s.

  But no, the handwriting matched the letters I saw on Ivan’s blackboard. “Oh,” I said, looking up to call out for Ivan, only to see that he was long gone by now.

  “Erm…” Well, this wasn’t a responsibility I wanted to have. What if something important was written on this paper? I hazarded a glance at the page’s contents, just to make sure.

  And I saw my name.

  Not just once, but many times, peppering the paragraphs.

  I blushed as I wondered what the hell to do now. I didn’t read the actual contents, so I didn’t know if they were good or bad, but either way, I was sure Ivan would be beyond embarrassed if I tried to return the paper to him.

  Perhaps I could leave it at his desk… but then what if someone else found it, and what if the contents were…

  “Dad?” Katie asked from the bench she sat on.

  “Oh, uh…” I quickly shoved the paper into my back pocket and motioned for her to get up. “Okay, time to go home now.”

  As we headed back to the truck, I told myself I’d have to figure out what to do with this misplaced paper later.

  *

  The sight of my name in Ivan’s handwriting stuck in my mind the whole drive back, and I only started to forget about it once it was time for me to fix dinner.

  Katie had much to say as she waited for her meal, and I had to divide every ounce of my attention between her and the pot.

  “What are we having, Dad?” she asked after she finished recounting to me her version of the incident between her and Mary.

  “Spaghetti and meatballs.”

  “With cheese?”

  I nodded and stirred the sauce.

  “What do you think Mr. Davis is having for dinner?” she wondered aloud. “He lives all by himself. Do you think that he’s a good cook?”

  I paused and thought about it for a moment. The man was so perfect at everything else that I would be surprised to discover that Ivan wasn’t a superior cook too.

  “I’m sure that Mr. Davis is good at anything he puts his mind to. He’s that kind of person, you know? Just like you.”

  Katie nodded and I let the topic drop. I knew that she was much too young to understand that I admired Ivan for more than just his role as her teacher.

  At eight years old, I wondered just how much time she had left before I would have to sit down and have the dreaded talk about my preferences. If I met someone I really liked, then there would be no hiding Katie from my partner and I knew it would be just as unfair to hide it from her. Yet the thought of that inevitable conversation was enough to send my stomach lurching. It made me lose my appetite altogether, which of course Katie noticed.

  “Dad, you’re not eating,” Katie said disapprovingly after I served dinner. “At least finish your salad so I won’t have to worry that you’ll starve in your sleep.”

  I grinned.

  Just when had Katie turned into a mother hen? But it felt good to know that she was concerned about me.

  “I love you, Katie darling. Do you know that?”

  “I know. But you still have to eat your salad,” she told me with a frown on her cherub face.

  I shut up and ate my salad. Any other comment by me might have been equally misconstrued by her as an attempt to not eat my salad. As such, I waited until I tucked her in to remind her again that I loved her.

  “I love you too, Daddy,” Katie muttered sleepily.

  I smiled and backed out of the room, turning off the light as I went.

  She no longer needed the lights on, as she had informed me of last week. According to Katie, she was a big girl now and if I thought for a moment that I would continue to treat her like a baby then I was misguided, she seemed to imply.

  She had one thing right, because I felt misguided when I entered my room and remembered the page I had stuffed in my pocket. It was a huge breach of privacy, I knew, but who could resist reading something that had one’s own name plastered all over it?

  I took in a deep breath, telling myself that if it went too far I would stop reading. But a
t least I could glance at the first paragraph, right?

  Right…?

  And so I began reading Ivan’s elegant handwriting:

  “Lord help me.

  I’m writing this confession in hopes that it’ll help me finally find some peace of mind. Rambling on paper used to help me in the past. Will it help me now?

  I hope so. I’m going crazy.

  There’s this man. He’s turned my world inside out, and has me questioning things about myself that I had once held as unshakable facts only a few months ago. I feel oddly attracted to him…

  We have such good conversations, engaging talks unlike any I’ve had before. We can talk politics, beliefs, tastes, and so on without any tension. And in the areas that we might disagree, we’ve enriched one another’s perspectives. I enjoy his company and he seems to enjoy mine, plus we both care so deeply for his girl.

  That little girl is so sweet, and if only I felt as comfortable around her dad as I did around her, then all would be perfect in my world. But Declan is just so damn unpredictable and just too much of everything I don’t want to notice about myself. I keep thinking about that damnable man in ways that I know I have no right thinking about any parent of mine, yet I can’t help myself no matter how hard I try.

  When Declan’s in a room, you know it and there’s no ignoring it. When he gets too close, close enough to touch—and at times we accidentally do touch—I am aware of the heat of his skin against mine and my brain simply shuts down. I don’t want to have any such thoughts about a parent, especially not one like him. I know he toys with me for fun and plays games I cannot begin to imagine, but it’s as though my thoughts have decided to play tag and I’ve chosen Declan as it.

  IT.

  He’s the IT I think about now as I lie in bed and wonder what he is doing. He’s the IT I keep wishing would step a little closer, always a little closer, and close that gap even though all my senses are already fully overloaded by him.